Coming soon to Safeway: Legal Advice

I've been baiting some lotto lads, and there is this one barrister who seems to think that my character thinks that a law firm is found down Aisle 3 next to the pickled beets and canned pineapple...so I present a chronological timeline of this fellow's partial opinion of my character's actions regarding his lottery:

13/9 - This chamber inform you that this is not supermarket matter is better for you to stop write this chamber again untill you make the payment.

16/9 - We are notify you that this chamber is not a supermarket, so follow the instruction so that we can serve you better.

21/9 - Subject: Warning: This chamber is not Supermarket

We are notify you that this chamber is not a supermarket, and the Hon Barrister A.B.AWANEBI is not roadside lawyer which you can approch like that, is better for you to come down to accra Ghana for your winning prize,and stop mail this chamber again.

23/9 - This is last warning for you this chamber is not supermarket, without you follow the chamber rules and regulations dont ever mail again.

29/9 - Just like you are not serious on this claim your winning prize, this is the last warning for you that this chamber is not a supermarket which you can prize and sell.

24/10 - Warning:

Dont ever mail thisn chamber again unless you make the payment, this chamber is not a supermarket.

This is how I responded to that:

Dearest Abiodun Awanebi,

I really appreciate and understand your email.

If He does not destroy you, then within a heartbeat, the ceiling will explode in incandescent fury. A brilliant pulse of light and heat will be felt as He arrives. GIVE ME MY MONEY NOW!

YOUR GREAT NEPHEW WILL DIE OF DEATH HORRIBLE IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME MY MONEY!

Behold, thou shalt be mocked by eunuchs, O thou armpit of Satan! You will be defeated in every engagement you take part in and in every assembly you attend you will be spat on and reviled. May the devil take you by the heels and shake you.

Carve the peg by looking at the hole. Think of the Web as a big bathroom wall. And everyone has a marker.

May The Force Be With You